Smoking Cuban Cigar Lit With RNC Donor Check, Michael Steele Admits Mistakes (Satire)
Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele closed the Southern Republican Leadership Conference with a speech that he hoped would help him mute recent criticisms of his leadership, as well as calls for his resignation.
“In life, you realize very quickly that can’t please everyone, but you can certainly make them all mad at you at the same time,” said Steele, who arrived at the event in the RNC’s new GulfstreamG550 private aircraft. Steele said he’s “the first to admit that I’ve made mistakes.”
Steele did not specifically address his organization’s scandals, but did say they were mostly created by the nation’s liberal media. “Democrats and members of the media are looking for those distractions, and Lord knows I’ve provided a few,” said Steele, resplendently dressed in a T-Shirt that read “Lesbian Bondage is Teh Hawt!” He said in the end, what mattered most was that the GOP stood together as a unified group against the awe-inspiring greatness of Barack Obama.
“They’d love nothing more than for us to keep pointing fingers at me and others instead of talking about Democratic policies,” said Steele, who twice was forced to interrupt his speech as he assisted in an abortion that was taking place back stage. “We’re not falling for that crap.” Steele said it was time for himself and others to “shoulder responsibility and move on.”
Much of his Steele’s speech was spent criticizing Democrats. He said Democratic policies meant there is now an “expiration date on their majority in Congress,” suggesting that Republicans would win back the House and Senate in November. “Come November, we win, they lose,” said Steele, who often held up a copy of his new book “Let’s Make Government Big Enough That You Can’t Drown it in the Atlantic Ocean.”
Steele – smoking a Cuban cigar he repeatedly lit with RNC donor check – said Americans are “fed up and ready to throw the bums out in November,” telling the crowd he’s “never seen the kind of anger that is brewing right now.”
Steele also lashed out those who have demanded his ouster. “It’s obvious that as an African-American, I have a slimmer margin for error than another chairman would,” said Steele, who earlier in the day snacked on arugula at a house party with actor Sean Penn and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Steele finished his speech with his normal refrain. “Gays and lesbians should be allowed to marry and serve in the military, health care is a right, we need gun control now and deficits are God’s way of saying ‘spend more money,” Steele laughed, before adding. “I’m just kidding, of course. I don’t believe in God.”