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Can’t We Just Get Rid of Arizona? (Satire)

by William K. Wolfrum

A while back, I proposed that the U.S. should trade Texas to Mexico for Cancun and golfer Lorena Ochoa. It seemed like a fair deal in theory, until Ochoa abruptly retired from golf, rendering the deal un-doable.

In the end, it was for the best. Texas is a pretty weird place, and all, but Texans do have a stunning tendency toward friendliness. The U.S. can make do with them.

Thus, the plan has changed. Now it is time for the U.S, to get rid of Arizona. With its recent decisions to racially profile the entire state and to pass a “Birther law” that would require President Barack Obama to showcase his birth certificate in order to run for president in the state, Arizona has become a giant, unreasonably hot stain on our once great nation.

The U.S. needs Arizona as much as it needs 12 more Victoria Jacksons.

The most plausible move would be to either trade or sell the state.

The U.S. could give Arizona to China as an honorable intention. They eat up that “Honorable” stuff. Or we could privatize it. It can become “Super Wal-Mart Arizona.”

The best, most financially prudent move just get rid of it all together. Keep the Grand Canyon and put a 30 foot wall around the rest that randomly shoots tasers at anyone that dares get too close.  If there are any natural resources we need, we’ll just send in our military to take it. Welcome to not being a U.S. State, Arizona.

We can tell them it’s in the Constitution that the Feds can get rid of a state. They’ll just nod gravely and go along with it. This is a state occupied by people cheering on the 1,100 loans worth $500 billion from Obama’s stimulus package, all the while complaining about what a bunch of commies we all are. These people have elected John McCain, like, 11 times. If critical thinking is in Arizona, it’s just passing by.

If you haven’t actually been to Arizona, you’d never know just how overrated and unnecessary it really is. It’s like the moon landing hoax. The majority of things you see from “Arizona” are actually filmed in a Hollywood studio. Once the Snowbirds are gone for the summer, the population of the whole state drops to about 8.

There have been no accomplishments whatsoever from the State of Arizona with the exceptions of new ways to die from the heat. This is all fact. And I know I won’t be challenged on it because who the hell is going to bother researching Arizona?

Trust me, the place is Amar’e Stoudemire and that’s it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some quality folks in Arizona. They are just always too preoccupied with thinking of ways to get out of Arizona to talk to you.

So my plan is thus: We hand Arizona its walking papers during a Friday news dump.

By Monday, we’ll have the whole place bordered off, except for the Grand Canyon, and the Arizona problem handled.  The Grand Canyon is now the 50th State of the U.S. Yes, a giant hole in the ground would be a better state than Arizona.

Perhaps, a great Civil War will break out with the Mexicans or Native Americans trying to take over their former lands. They all have guns, after all. And there’s nothing we could do about that except watch it on pay-per-view.

We can have diplomatic relations with the new Whatever of Arizona, but we must not allow the elite immigrants to enter the U.S. They are easy to spot, as they are wearing colorful shorts and just played four sets of tennis. And they’re 103. Or 47. It’s really almost impossible to tell. Arizonans that are veterans or now serving, maintain their U.S. citizenship. African-Americans maintain their U.S. Citizenship because the bad karma would be unbearable if we put them somewhere they don’t want to be. Everyone else in Arizona will no longer be a U.S. citizen.

The rest of the nation will just now have to accept that if you look like an Arizonan, you must produce ID. But that’s a small price to pay to get rid of those seditious bastards, isn’t it?

So I hope you all get behind my plan of getting rid of Arizona. It would be a fiscally responsible move, and one that would build national pride. How big a loss is that? I mean, it’s a 365-day-a-year inferno down there. Dry heat, my ass. We don’t need them.

About William K. Wolfrum

I'm a journalist, columnist, humorist, satirist, Dogist and Husbandist

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