Tea Party Attempts To Stop Gulf Oil Spill By Shouting Slogans At It (Satire)
LOUISIANA – Emboldened by their protests against the United States government, several Tea Party organizations made their way to Louisiana this morning in an effort to stop the massive Gulf oil spill by shouting slogans at it.
“Don’t Tread on me!” shouted one protester near the marshlands along Louisiana’s southern coast.
“GET A BRAIN! MORANS,” read one sign.
According to estimates, between 150 and 35,000 Tea Partiers showed up for the event, as the corporate grassroots movement attempted to show they could rally to help America in any emergency. Tea Party leader Mark Williams said the show of patriotism should prove to U.S. citizens that Tea Party organizations are for “America First.”
“We’re not going to allow this oil spill destroy precious American land without having our say,” said Williams. “This oil spill is an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug and a racist in chief.”
Later today, Tea Party star Sarah Palin is expected to fly to Mississippi to speak to affected coastal residents at a local community center. Residents will be allowed to listen to her words of hope and encouragement for a small donation to a local anti-abortion organization.
“No human endeavor is ever without risk – whether it’s sending a man to the moon or extracting the necessary resources to fuel our civilization,” wrote Palin on her Facebook page.
While the Tea Party was enthusiastic in their attempts to stop the oil spill with slogans and protest signs (“Oil Spill Distribution = Communism!” read one such sign), some have questioned whether many Tea Partiers and Republicans have a concept of real-world solutions.
“(T)he base itself seems to have developed a notion that bromides are equivalent to policy-thinking,” wrote Marc Ambinder of the Atlantic, recently.
Despite the criticism, Tea Partiers have said they will stay in the Gulf region until the clean-up begins.
“Obviously, this whole oil spill was created by Obama and environmentalists trying to take away our oil,” said one Tea Partier, who said he wouldn’t be able to help with the clean up because he was wearing white pants. “But we will not let this socialist-inspired oil spill defeat real Americans without having our say.”
Another Tea Partier, holding a sign that stated “Keep your oily hands off my medicare! Smaller government and oil spills now!” said the U.S. federal government needed to stop the oil spill immediately.
“We’re doing our part by using our free speech,” said the Tea Partier. “But the fact is, this is Obama’s Katrina. Why isn’t the government responding faster? They should be cleaning this up, not us.”
In other oil spills news, the nearly 2,000 people that lost their lives and the thousands that were left destitute due to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina could not be reached for comment on right-wing allegations that the oil spill amounted to “Obama’s Katrina.”